5th October, 1am
I’ll start by telling you for sure that we were not actively trying for a baby. I have made this clear on my homepage but just in case you didn’t see that:
WE WERE NOT TRYING FOR A BABY!
Sure we were unprotected but that’s been the same for 14 years: it is notoriously difficult for me to fall pregnant and when I do, in recent years it is proving near on impossible for me to stay pregnant. So when I spent the evening of 4th October pulling our home office apart and re-organising it I had no idea that I might be pregnant. None at all. It was only when I was about to go to bed and fancied a Waitrose chicken tikka masala like mad that it occurred to me I hadn’t seen my monthly yet. As I am not trying I did not know when it was due off the top of my head so I grabbed my diary and tracked back to the date: 5th September. Funnily enough that was the first time I have actually written my date in my diary in months and months, not sure why…
Anyway it had been exactly a month since my last visit. A quick analysis of my body and the last few days appetite confirmed my boobs were sore and I was hungrier than usual (before the naysayers harp on about being too early for cravings please note I have known about every pregnancy based entirely on hunger, odd but true). Now I can’t remember the last time I bought a pregnancy test, haven’t needed one for over a year, but a quick search of the bathroom unit revealed one and I sat for a moment and pondered waiting until morning, proper morning, not 1am morning before I had even gone to bed.
I couldn’t do it.
So I peed on the stick knowing full well I was wasting it, took in the blank space, shrugged, brushed my teeth, tidied the last few bits in the office and climbed into bed. Then I took my Pregnacare vitamins (a habit I only restarted this month because I am trying to be healthier and only Pregnacare because they were there) and laid down. It was at that point that I just knew it was positive and I had to go and see it. I dug around the bin and lo and behold:
It’s the faintest line ever but it is there and you can’t get a false positive. I wake hubby and wave it at him and for a moment we both just look at each other, letting a teeny little bit of hope pass between us. Then we remember what happened the last five times. Then I think on how bloody busy we are with our life and business and the way I have been running myself into the ground lately and I realise I am not in optimum shape to be successful in this venture, my body is running on empty most days. I also barely see my son with all the hours I am doing, how would I fit a pregnancy/baby in. Ridiculous. No point getting my hopes up and fussing, it will be another dead end but hey, at least I still can get pregnant, that’s a Brucie bonus that I didn’t expect. I climb into bed beside hubby and – just in case, no hopes up – I take the anti miscarriage steroid, baby aspirin and Vitamin D tablets that I have had in my bedside unit forever and I lie there for a moment to evaluate the last month. On doing so I realise that:
- We have only had sex once – life has been so hectic we have barely seen each other and when we have we have been exhausted. Funnily enough the last five pregnancies were the same – it has always been in our least active months that we have fallen. Odd, no?
- Due to being utterly pissed off with unexplained weight gain this year I visited my GP on 13th September and we decided it would be a good idea to run a full set of blood tests to see if I still had polycystic ovaries (or indeed if I had thyroid issues). This was in order for me to resume Metformin and therefore re-balance weight and hormones if I did. My GP of course knows my history and we discussed whether we would try again. I thought honestly about it and told her I wasn’t sure if I wanted to but to have a set of bloods telling me how I was doing would be a good place to start a conversation with hubby about it – with a view to maybe giving IVF a go next year as I hadn’t fallen in a year and the last one was a chemical pregnancy that lasted only days.
- On going home I resolved to look after myself more and started taking the vitamins again and began tracking my weight.
I have also tried to be very good with alcohol and have stepped up exercising again to help with the weight issues I have been experiencing.
It seems that without even knowing it I have been preparing for pregnancy, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves, we know where that ends.
I sleep like a baby.