See that picture up there? That’s mine. That little grey dude or dudette that is chilling like a pro on my placenta is inside me. INSIDE ME. Right now. And it’s alive.
Yes I said alive.
There’s a heartbeat but what’s even more amazing is I saw little arms and legs moving. I saw the brain and the warm spots of my placenta. I saw hands, feet and even a little heart.
I still don’t believe it.
I literally wake up every day, remember that I am pregnant and then shake my head in disbelief. If it wasn’t for the VERY early bump that I am displaying I don’t think I would even half believe it, not even a quarter. But this picture, this tiny little picture, changes everything.
Just look at that profile. Check out that button nose. See how cosy that baby is INSIDE ME. And marvel out how clever our bodies can be.
I’ve spent years cursing my womb and losing confidence in my body and it’s lack of compliance with my attempts at reproduction. I had decided that I was completely incapable, was sure of it. And then on 5th October 2016 I found out I was pregnant and every day since I have been waiting for it to go one way or another. If I am honest, the one way was the M word, the another was this and in my mind the former was all but a given.
And now look.
I honestly don’t have many words for you right now. This scan happened on Friday and I am still wandering around waiting for it to properly sink in, to feel the elation I know I should be feeling, to accept this is the real deal. I’m not unhappy so please don’t wave your fist at me and shout at my ungratefulness: my gratitude knows no bounds. Instead I think I am still so surprised and in awe of my womb that I have been shocked into an exhausted silence, a quiet, reflective haze. There’s definitely a huge dollop of self preservation holding me back from full on embracing this pregnancy and that can only be natural, but there is also a side order of fear hanging around like something out there is daring me to embrace it fully, just to crash me down. It’s ridiculous really but it’s there, the greyness in my silver cloud. I’ll banish it away though, every day a little bit more belief creeps into my heart. The doppler is helping.